@sumpeoplelikeit

The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.

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@Midgetspar

If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.

@Smartticisms

Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.

@Breadery

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

@stephenjmolloy

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

@SexyInsomniac

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

@AngelaEhh

You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?

@biebersmurf

My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO