The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.

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If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.


Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.


Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.


[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”


I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”


You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?


My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.


My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*