A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Me: What’s it like on your planet?
Alien: Very barren, desolate
Me: But no politics?
Me: Ok, let’s go
[opens door for two Jehovah’s witnesses]
Ugh…ok come in. The goat blood is in a vial on the table. I’ll get the virgin from the basement.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Is pregnancy genetic cause my mom was pregnant and so was my grandma and I’m worried