@sumpeoplelikeit

The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.

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@HonestlyJon

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@MRagaab

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

@Playing_Dad

[Alien abduction]
Me: What’s it like on your planet?
Alien: Very barren, desolate
Me: But no politics?
Alien: No
Me: Ok, let’s go

@novicefather

[opens door for two Jehovah’s witnesses]

Ugh…ok come in. The goat blood is in a vial on the table. I’ll get the virgin from the basement.

@NewDadNotes

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

@kwirkyKerri

I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

@rockymomax

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

@Kulpie

Is pregnancy genetic cause my mom was pregnant and so was my grandma and I’m worried