girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
You Might Also Like
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
No. He’s not coming out to play
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot