@sumpeoplelikeit: The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
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@daemonic3: WIFE: He's too literal and unromantic THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
@Nickadoo: The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would've been like.
@bridger_w: I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts