@sock_holliday

The person that invented toilet paper is easily the most under-appreciated hero in human history

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@BrydieLK

We’ve come to an open air screening of Cats and…no one else is here

@BoomBoomBetty

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

@AbbieEvansXO

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

@McSwtrvst

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

@causticbob

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

@Rollmaninoz

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

@WheelTod

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

@ndiquote

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza