A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
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How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
TRAIN’S HERE
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
[montage of me giving-up]
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Don’t we all.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him