The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
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I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”