The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
You Might Also Like
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.