Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.