Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.