Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?

Because they’re two tired

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks