The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
You Might Also Like
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
October already? What’s next? November????
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Come back with a warrant
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly