The Person Who Discovered Sharks
You Might Also Like
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
“OMGJK” -atheists
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on