The Person Who Discovered Sharks
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Free him
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]