The Person Who Discovered Sharks
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.