The Person Who Discovered Sharks
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my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Oh, I bet you would be
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir