The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
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My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny