The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
only 11 steps left
Happy Thanksgiving
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
January is lasting longer than my marriage