The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
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Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”