The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
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“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?