The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?