Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
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The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese