The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius