Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

Candles never taste the way they smell

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

Hey i am sexy to you now

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.