The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
#Caturday
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*