The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
new career option?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.