The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband