Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally