The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
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“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is