Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

After 35, your body ages in dog years

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.