The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
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I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.