The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
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*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.