The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
You Might Also Like
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
figuring out my emotional availability:
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.