The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
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I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata