Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

i baked you a cake

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable