The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words