The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
You Might Also Like
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Every. Damn. Time.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.