the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
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Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.