the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
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lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Do not go gentle into that good night,
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Lmfao
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess