the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
You Might Also Like
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.