The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.