The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
You Might Also Like
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
A leaf blower, but for people.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Well, that didn’t work.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.