Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

handsome & gretel

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

How did we not see this back then?

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead