Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Just say no

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

A great first step 😂

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!