Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…