Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

applying for a new job

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.