The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
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taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.