Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

My new favorite headline

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.