The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it