The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
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Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
☠️ ☠️
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
✌️
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.