Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

Trumpy Cat

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.