@simoncholland

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

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@jwoodham

Hey, Edgar Allen, go ahead and Poe me up another drink! Don’t tell me to be quiet, lady! Why are there so many books in this bar?

@jake_lach

“Yep, I’m going to jail.”

When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*

@IronWang

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

@ryangriffiths

CAPS LOCK ON

caps lock off

CAPS LOCK ON

caps lock off

– Mr Miyagi [2014]

@BarryVonAwesome

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

@aotakeo

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

@generativist

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

@shanethevein

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.