@simoncholland

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

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@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

@StoneAgeRadio13

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

@SortaBad

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

@CArmanthegirl

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

@mommywhitfield

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

@ThaJawn

Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more

Me: ok…

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats

Me: What?

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up

Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!

@MarfSalvador

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

@_elvishpresley_

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

@CVTBaby

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.