the PhD student is someone who foregoes their current happiness in order to forego future happiness
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Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
*gets down on one knee*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Guantanamo Bae