the PhD student is someone who foregoes their current happiness in order to forego future happiness
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when nothing goes right… go left
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?