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Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Eat…
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.