the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
