the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
