The photographer’s assistant
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We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog