The photographer’s assistant
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[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Thank you corporation very cool
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”