The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.![]()
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My zodiac sign is pistachio
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.