The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
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Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Just me?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.