Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY