Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.