The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
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friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I have taken up painting
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*