Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”