Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.