Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids: