Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Showerkraut

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!