The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Is your wife single?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
