The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
