The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
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Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.