Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

dude it’s called proctologist