Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Got ya covered

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

rapatouille

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.