The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf