Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

what do you want

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.