The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
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Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
*pokes sex life with a stick
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.