Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.