The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
i think my razor is having a panic attack
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
No one buys my theory that red fire hydrants are filled with ketchup and yellow fire hydrants are filled with mustard.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
